The Right Horse: How to figure out if you and your horse are a good match

Since I was a young child, growing up in the middle of nowhere in Canada, I’ve had the good fortune to interact and work with more horses than I can count. My parents supported me in my affinity for horses and allowed me to follow my passion for understanding horsemanship. I’ve also been lucky to learn from world-class mentors. 

Driven by my passion for connecting with and understanding the needs of horses, I created a transformative approach to horsemanship called Relational Horsemanship. Today, I feel fortunate to help horse owners around the world with in-person clinics, instructional content on my website and on YouTube, and through my relationship with NF+ followers. 

I believe that mastery in horsemanship begins with a commitment to self-growth and empowerment. This starts with taking ownership of our own responsibility and role in interpreting our horse’s actions and performance differently. When we become aware of, and begin to develop, our side of the relationship, we open the door for mutual growth between horse and owner. 

In my line of work, I meet a lot of people who are struggling with their horses in some way, and sometimes in many ways! While this is undeniably a negative situation, it is also true that the challenges with our horses can present a path towards tremendous growth and learning. That said, when the challenges presented seem overwhelming, people can find themselves in a truly difficult place, feeling deeply frustrated and possibly even afraid of their horse. They might wonder if it can’t be remedied, and whether they should find their horse another owner. 

Should I stay or should I go: Navigating decisions about your difficult horse

From the outside, the decision to give up on a challenging horse may sound simple: If your horse is too much for you, or the challenges you face seem insurmountable, you should sell the horse. However, any invested horse owner knows that the decision to part with a horse can be difficult and heartbreaking. We may feel we are “giving up.”  We may believe that we have failed the horse and failed ourselves. We may love the horse dearly, despite the struggles we’ve had, and it can be extremely upsetting to think of sending them away. We worry about finding the horse a good home. All of that and more can make the idea of parting with a horse anything but easy. So, how does one make the right decision that feels acceptable?

Addressing your challenges through the lens of pressure

One way to start processing this difficult decision is to view it from the perspective of pressure: This is just another pressure point, much like ones your horse faces. As I’ve written about before in blog posts on my website and on the Noelle Floyd website, if I’ve given them the confidence to handle whatever comes at them, this new pressure becomes a non-issue. They may even enjoy the novelty of the experience and gain more self-confidence from it. However, if the horse has not been given tools that allow them to process different pressures and respond to them thoughtfully, they can tip over into self-preservation and feel the need to flee. 

Now think of the challenges your horse presents for you as a form of pressure, and imagine you are the horse having to deal with that pressure. Do you generally feel confident that you can find a way to work through the issues, or are you frequently tipping over into doubt and fear? Do the challenges seem like an opportunity to learn and become a better horseman, or are they stripping away the joy you once felt around horses?

Rethinking a hopeless situation

Even if you’re not finding the joy you once did, the solution may not be to sell your horse. You may simply be in the same position your horse is, feeling the overwhelming need to flee from pressure, meaning you just haven’t yet been given the right tools to help you work through the “pressures” your horse is presenting. I can tell you that there have been many cases where a student came to me feeling hopeless about ever getting to a good place with their horse, only to find things changing — often surprisingly quickly — when they modified their approach and started working in a relational context. 

It is tremendously rewarding to see clients come out on the other side when they’ve felt disconnected from their horse. Growth is inevitable for us when up our game and meet a horse where they need us to be. This can be one of the hardest parts for some. It’s easy to ask the world around us to change, but to change ourselves demands deep reflection and a personal desire for growth. 

One of my clients, Sandy H., was really struggling with her mare, Kali, wondering if they were a good match.  “I truly felt I had made a mistake for her, and for me, in buying this horse,” Sandy remembers. “Five years later we have made so much progress. This stubborn woman finally managed to see that to have Kali be my partner I needed to make some big changes. It’s a journey for sure but so great to feel that, yes, we are a team. I can ride without frustration or fear (my ‘F’ words). Without the perspective you presented, it would not have been possible.”

For many people, the answer is about getting the right help, and being at peace with needing help in the first place. It is important to remember that none of us have all the answers, and I promise you that even the best horsemen can use some advice now and again. So, if you are feeling lost with your horse, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone who has a good track record helping both horses and their riders overcome the kinds of issues you are dealing with.

Barb G. was another client of mine who came to my clinic in frustration but was able to make remarkable progress. “It didn’t happen overnight, and I did struggle at how slow she was changing, not realizing at the time that we both had to change,” Barb remembers. “As I said to you at one of your clinics, your teachings had nothing to do with the horse, it was all about me. From that day on I knew that it was me that had to change. I truly am now enjoying this journey and am so happy that my decision to keep her was the right one.”

When the relationship is beyond repair

However, if you’ve reached out for support and put in plenty of effort, but still can’t get to a place where you are enjoying working with and riding your horse, it may truly be that you and your horse are not a good match, as Amanda Uechi Ronan wrote in a 2020 blog post for Horse Nation. Remember, this is supposed to be fun, and if you aren’t having a good time, you can be pretty sure your horse isn’t either. Horses are extremely sensitive creatures, and they don’t enjoy a problematic partnership any more than we do. They also tend to feel our fears and frustrations, which can make them insecure and even more likely to demonstrate challenging behaviors. 

Therefore, while it is a hard truth, it is true that hanging on to a horse we just can’t build a harmonious relationship with is usually not doing us or the horse any favors. And, if you can find someone who can be what that horse needs, you will all be better off in the long run.

Alternatives to selling your horse

The beauty of horses is that there are many ways to interact with them. If you really love this challenging horse and you can afford to provide a good life for them, you might also consider keeping the horse as a companion for you and your other animals. 

There is a whole movement referred to as “the non-ridden equine,” a community made up of people who have horses but choose not to ride them for any number of reasons. Some do other things with their horses such as trick training or liberty work. Some just enjoy hanging out with their horses and caring for them. The bottom line: if your horse is happy with the life you provide, there is no right or wrong in terms of your choice to ride the horse or not.

Moving forward to your next horse

If you do decide to part with your horse, please recognize that there is no failure in that. It is a brave and honest recognition that you are simply not the best partners for each other. Certainly, it’s important to take your time and do your utmost to ensure that your horse is going to the right home and take your time to find another horse and be honest in that search as well. 

Whatever decision process led to the realization that this horse isn’t right for you, continue to believe in yourself that you know better the next time around. Again, don’t be afraid to ask for help in choosing your new equine partner, especially if you are still relatively new to the horse world. Your “right horse” is out there!

In conclusion, every person and every horse are different. Sometimes these differences work out well, while other times it means we need to up our game, and still other times it’s like oil and water! The key is to sort out where we fit into that puzzle with our personal situation.